The 5 people you meet at Pakistani film premieres

It's a fun event, a movie premiere.

Red carpet, free snacks, celebrities... free snacks. (Sometimes they don't have free snacks and we do not appreciate that at all, but that rant is for another time.)

All in all, it's a pretty happening event and eventually you detect a method to the madness — the showtime is rarely ever when they say it is, the major celebrities often don't turn up on the red carpet until you're already seated in the cinema, etc etc.

After a while, you also start noticing a pattern to the people who attend movie premieres.

Here are 5 kinds of people you're bound to spot at a Pakistani movie premiere.

1) The 'mufta'

Anyone who asks Iss film may hai kaun? at a movie premiere clearly just had some time to kill... and a free movie ticket. This person is often a more important person's plus one and tends to lose their partner who is busy schmoozing with other
VIPs.

The mufta is spotted lounging about, phoro-ing on free popcorn and drinks, and expects to be entertained in the next few hours.

Let's hope they didn't get a premiere pass to Raasta...

Better yet, let's hope they did. #ThatWillTeachThem

2) The PR phupho

Now this person takes movie premieres far more seriously. She (or he, you'd be surprised) turns it into a family excursion.

The said phupho probably has an aisle booked in her name and gets offended when organisers didn't think to keep a seat for her sister's brother-in-law's best friend's son's possible fiancee. If she can't demonstrate her connections, how else will the poor lad impress the girl.

You'll immediately recognise this person as they'll be the one yelling at some staffer about not letting in their family. You can't miss them — they're loud and screechy, we're talking "Who gives you that right!?" screechy.

3) The celeb swarm

Lots of people are invited to movie premieres 'cos they're famous. Not the actors in the film but just the stars of the industry. Together, they are there to support their friends, but end up hogging the seats. This is a problem when cinemas are overbooked. #Scowl

It's easy to spot these guys, even if you're not good with faces. These celebs (who insist that they are 'just like us') show up in gowns and tuxes, blending in oh so well with the rest of us in a kurta and jeans (pick any outfit you guys, you know what we're saying).

But hey, we don't mind, selfie please!

4) The star-struck

Some people just show up to take a picture of Mahira Khan.

Those people have zero qualms about stepping on toes, elbowing people squarely in the chest and brushing against unmentionable areas to get to the right spot near the red carpet to accomplish said task.

These fellas don't care about the movie. In fact, most will leave after the first ten minutes because they've Snapchatted their proof of being there. They only want a couple of selfies with the stars and are so desperate for them they'll take pics with anyone and everyone in the movie just for connections.

Sometimes they're a lil' creepy. Distinguishable features include heavy breathing, a leering glare and a hoarse whisper saying "Selfie pliss." These people should be sent home without popcorn or movie.

5) The over dressed

These pretty folks are not in the movie, and probably not there to cover it. They are there because they got the last HSY direct from ramp ensemble and need to flaunt it. And no, they aren't models either, although they do look like they catwalked all the way here.

Usually socialites who have to be where the party's at, these people have enough couture on them to have a mobile exhibition right there on the red carpet. The media usually confuses them for some celebrity, not because of any resemblance but because their outfits make it difficult to look anywhere else.

We might be jealous, but when we see their painful shoes, we feel more pity.